Genesis 3

Helpful equations:

human + fruit = knowledge
human + fruit = eternal life



Happy Good Friday, everyone. Jesus died on a day somewhat like today a number of years ago. And that's a good thing, because he died in an agonizing manner. Torture is always good.


But it'll be a long time before I get to Jesus at this rate, so I've decided that every chapter with a below-average number of verses means I'll post another chapter on the same day to make up for it. Also, Passover starts today (read: last night) so that's also something. At any rate, there will be two chapters today.



There's a new format today, and it's lists! SO EXCITING, I know.


Top 5 Reasons the LORD is a Big Fat Liar:

5. Claims serpents eat dust.

4. Claims Adam and Eve can eat from ALL the trees.

3. Claims some humans are descended from the serpent.

2. By the way, snakes can talk.

1. Even touching the Tree of Knowledge of Blah will kill you. KILL YOU.

 Top  5 Reasons the LORD is an Idiot:


5. He had to put defenses on the plants after the "Fall" (which he knew would happen).


4. He can't keep his pronouns straight.


3. He created the world from nothing but has to kill animals to make clothes.


2. He put the tree in the Garden in the first place.

1. He knew this shit would happen and had the gall to get angry about it.






WTF Moment: Besides the fact that there are no badly drawn pictures here, it's the shit that happens when God kicks his unruly children out: he guards the garden with cherubim (my Catholic roommate says these are essentially badass cherubs [what?]) and A GIANT FUCKING FLAMING SWORD. Is this a penis metaphor (lol, flaming) or is he on acid?
Also, the Tree of Life is an afterthought. I don't know about you, but I would have eaten the shit out of every tree in that garden before I tried the "Forbidden Fruit".


Final Lesson: This is what tripping on acid is like. I expect it to recur in two months when I crack my neck.