Genesis 7

Helpful Equations:
40 = 150
7 = 2




So apparently God gets sick of fucking around waiting for Noah to load the dinosaurs/unicorns and starts the rain. Hooray, lots of people (children, babies, and pregnant women too) are going to drown, along with all the animals unlucky enough to not get on the ark and all the plants in the world. How do I know?

Genesis 6

Helpful Equations:

God + creation = failure
men + minds = evil

 

 So basically this chapter is all about the ark. To be honest it's one of the only stories that gets put in children's bibles that actually isn't that bad (despite being pretty ridiculous and boring all at the same time). The ark is yay high, long, wide. It's got three stories. There's a window that is so teeny tiny and a big door that God gets to close. Woo. So awesome.

Genesis 5

Helpful Equations:
people = impossibly old





This entire chapter is a genealogy, so it's really boring. Better luck next time.

Genesis 4

 Helpful Equations:
meat + God = respect
veggies + God = disgust
Cain + Abel = Cain 

So this chapter is a shit-ton of boring. Just some genealogies and weirdness.

Genesis 3

Helpful equations:

human + fruit = knowledge
human + fruit = eternal life



Happy Good Friday, everyone. Jesus died on a day somewhat like today a number of years ago. And that's a good thing, because he died in an agonizing manner. Torture is always good.


But it'll be a long time before I get to Jesus at this rate, so I've decided that every chapter with a below-average number of verses means I'll post another chapter on the same day to make up for it. Also, Passover starts today (read: last night) so that's also something. At any rate, there will be two chapters today.



There's a new format today, and it's lists! SO EXCITING, I know.

Genesis 2

I thought I'd better add a post, in celebration of the FIRST DAY OF BLOGGING! (I'm not that excited, actually, but whatever.)

Helpful Equations:
Genesis 1 + Genesis 2 = UTTER CONFUSION

First of all, whoever separated the chapters did a shitty job. This is why I had to stick some crap little note in the margin about "Day 7". Because counting is for morons.

Anyway, I made a table because the Bible starts contradicting EARLY.

Genesis 1

Helpful Equations:
nothing + "God" = the heavens + the earth
earth = void
evening + morning = day

Now that's out of the way, here it is: a good start to whatever the fuck it is I'm doing. And what better day to begin? At any rate, it is half past two in the morning, so don't expect good writing. Actually, don't ever expect good writing; this blog mainly exists so that I have to keep reading it. Yes, ladies and right proper sirs, it's worse than Twilight - it's the Bible.

I thought I'd better start at the beginning even though I got to Leviticus last time I tried to read straight through. I was right, because who would want to miss the beginning of this book? Everyone. It's a list. It's not even really a story, so suck on that, creationists. The phrase "Creation Story" is a LIE if you try to make it pertain to Christianity.

It is a list, as I mentioned two lines ago, but it is a list that I (don't know why I) decided to turn (it) into a table.